Smokin' and Drinkin', On a Bum Budget

Sorry for the delay but I'm not on a schedule. I am as free as a bird and with freedom there comes a price. Nothing is free in this world. I don't mind the fact that I sleep in the "streets". I am lucky to have a secret sleeping spot that has a awning over my head to keep me from getting wet from the rain and nobody, especially a cop, has yet to find me sleeping there. So I am thankful for that. As far as feeding my nicotine addiction without any income whatsoever is a pain in my ass. I am force to resort to "sniping". (And no, it's not shooting at someone from a long distance) Sniping is picking up cigarette butts off the street or out of an ashtray to smoke what is left of the discarded cigarette. Pretty pathetic, I know. But it is what it is and right now it is my current reality. I am out of food stamps until the 7th of the month and thank God for the daily soup kitchen feeding at 4pm or I'd be starving. Sometimes if I wake up around 3 a.m., I will walk down to Duval street and try to pick up some pizza thrown out in the garbage from unsold slices from Paradise pizza and have a little early morning snack. The pizza is inside the box usually sitting on top of the other garbage. I found one whole pepperoni pie in a box, untouched, one night. But that has been it. The competition is fierce between the bums in terms of searching and finding anything like money. I found a 20 dollar bill one night and another 20 a few nights later but this pass week has been miserable, finding nothing. Be it rain or lack of tourist or other bums finding "it" before you, it's been a rough week...... Key West has a legal panhandling zone down by Mallory Square but you have other bums vying for the end spot to get the money from the tourist. One day I was there with a friend, we were there before this other guy came along with a sign, and the other guy came up and said, "Excuse me" to my friend and my friend said, "Excuse me what?" and the other guy claimed that that was his spot and wanted my friend to move and he didn't. So, a verbal fight broke out and then the other guy took a swing at my friend and grazed his temple, my friend took his painting pole out to defend himself and the other guy brandished a knife while some tourists observed. One tourist even video taped the incident on her iPhone. The cops rolled up with Tasers in hand and ordered the man with the knife (which he had already tried to stash) on the ground and one of the witnesses pointed out where the knife was and the other guy was taken to jail. Still claiming, telling the cop that "It was HIS spot" as the cop informed his that it WASN'T his spot and that the city of Key West owns that spot. So it can be ruthless and dangerous just trying to panhandle some money. I personally can't panhandle or ask for money. Maybe it's pride, I don't know. But I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't have "game" or a "hustle". It's just not me. I can hold a sign but that's about it. Which after 2 days made me about 3 dollars in the hot sun. Not worth it. I rather chance my luck walking around to find change or a dollar bill on the street. My friend Derek can make roses out of palm tree leaves and I try to sell them. We sell a couple but not many and he has to be in the "mood" to make them which is rare.... I picked up a new trick last night from my new running partner Derek called "Ma Dicker". Which is gross but it does work with any luck. Ma Dicker is where you find half drunken drinks along railings, sidewalks and dare I say even in garbage cans and you simple pick them up and drink them, like a true out of money, out of work, out of alcohol, thirsty soon to be drunk bum. The cost.......wait for it......PRICELESS. I need a friggin' MasterCard sponsorship. Maybe I can make money that way?...Hmmmmmm. OR maybe, uh, GET A FUCKIN' JOB, like everybody else!!! WHAT A CONCEPT. Easier said than done, especially when you're a bum. Sounds like a song lyric. When your clothes are dirty or not interview worthy. Or you don't have a phone so they can contact you. I hear that really helps when searching for a job. But what the hell do I know......I almost forgot, while me and Derelict were Ma Dickerin' we came upon a man dressed in a Darth Vader costume playing a banjo and he asked if we would like some wine. Puzzled and perplexed we said, SURE!!!! and Mister Vader handed us a bottle of unopened Pinot Noir....True story, C'mon, I can't make that shit up.... What a pathetic, poetic ending to a perfectly fucked up evening.....Happy Ma Dickering!!! Save me a cup, you greedy bastard. CHEERS!!!

Vacation for 8 Days at Camp Cupcake

Got thrown in jail again. For the third time in Key West for the same horrendous, heinous crime of municipal ordinance violation unknown count 999999999. Better known as drinking a beer in a public park. Frank Du Ponty got me, KWPD's new homeless harassment cop. I think Officer Mitchell got promoted or something or just got tired of dealing with the residentially ridiculous skally wag scoundrels cause I haven't seen him around for a while. Anyway as the title states, I only spent 8 days in the County cupcake (Jail), I got my asthma inhaler, which I was out of, so I could breathe again. That was nice. And it cost 70 dollars at the drug store. FREE if you go to jail, PRICELESS!! The food sucks and the portions are small and I don't eat that much. The other inmates 25-35 in age have family, girlfriends who send them commissary food packages so they don't starve. Top Ramen soups being a hot commodity, damn near a delicacy in jail, pathetic. I hate those things when I'm in the free world. My inmate number stays the same throughout my possible future stays in the Monroe County jail and that number is 76114107. So if you see me on www.keysso.net  think of me and send a damn care package, damn it!!!www.icaredirect.com  I'm not planning on going back but you never know. That's one of the reasons I'm moving back up to Marathon, there is no open container law in Marathon, or they don't enforce it unless you're an asshole. But I am a respectable, homeless drunk, at least I put my beer or whatever in a can't see through cup. Hell, Officer Duponty even said I was a nice guy but still had to arrest me and explained he was just doing his job........ My current bank account is -negative 42.53 because I signed up for a monthly subscription to promote the shitty song I paid 200 dollars to have made with my words. With overdraft fees and monthly fees it keeps adding up. Now, if I went to go use my debit card in a local store to buy a pack of cigarettes in person and I only had 1.00 in my account and the cigarettes were 1.06. The card would of been declined and would not have been over drafted. But if I sign up for a on going monthly charge online for 25.00 to promote some stupid ass song, it takes it right out of my checking account, no problem. I was in jail at the time, so I couldn't cancel the subscription. I wrote a email to Wells Fargo letting them know that I currently have no income and they cut my over draft fees in half, ain't that sweet? Speaking of no income, I thought I would get unemployment when I got back into the real world from my vacation but nooooo. I didn't make enough money to get an unemployment check. The 3 and a half months I worked as the Statue of Liberty I only made 2,700, but you have to make at least 3,400 to get an unemployment check. So I am screwed. I am going to Marathon this weekend to find a job. Too much B.S. and competition in Key West. Not to mention, stumbling over, walking over too many BUMS...I'm a bum and I can't stand them myself. Some of the pathetic bums are downright ANIMALS!!  People with a life, a home and a little money are lucky they can bypass the bullshit....... In more open container drinking bum news, The Key West Citizen newspaper reports the county is complaining about the medical expense that the bums cost the jail because they got busted for an open container...I have the solution!!! It's pretty simple, at least from the point of bum view I have.... When the cops roll up on the dastardly drinking bums.. Have the cops tell the drunken bums to pour out ALL of their "alkeyhall" (alcohol, for you idiots) and DON'T arrest them. If they are belligerently drunk, causing a problem, MARCHMAN ACT the dumb sums of BITCHES!!! That will cut down on most of the medical cost. They stay in a holding cell until they sober up and blow zeros. Then you release them at 4:01a.m. in the morning and send them on their happy ass way........The bums will have to wait until 7:00a.m. until they can buy alcohol again. That will piss them off to the hilt!! Guaranteed!! To me, it's worse than going to jail especially if it happens enough times. Not to mention the long walk back to get their bike or to the place they like to drink......
My solution will work, in fact it will increase alcohol sales for the city of Key West because if you keep pouring out all their alkeyhall they will keep buying more because they are not going to stop drinking unless they run out of money and then when they run out of money and shoplift a Nasty Ice or El Four Loco then you can actually get them on a real misdemeanor crime charge rather than a petty ass bullshit unknown municipal nuisance ordinance....Duh!.... O.K. that's my 2 cents for now, my time has run out at the library. btw fyi...I am at the mercy of the library computers because my iPad was stolen when I let one of my "friends" hold it overnight...Gullible me, life on the streets...Now go buy my song, "Alcohol Call" so I can quit living in the streets and live in a apartment, or buy a condo, mansion, boat, house, yacht, tent, shack,out house, hole in the wall ...Fall Down Daddy is the band name on iTunes and other places like Amazon...For pity sake, I know the song sucks!!!..But that half of 99 cents adds up and if I get enough people to buy it and once I get enough moolah to buy anything that has four walls and a roof, THEN everybody who purchased or help to purchase the shittiest country song ever made, will not only own the shittiest country song ever made BUT will also be invited to the B.Y.O.B. (I have no money) Housewarming Party!!! (save your receipt(s) for admission!!!) I think it might be a tax write off too!! ...If you're feeling really charitable you can buy the song on this link www.reverbnation.com/falldowndaddy and 50% of the sales will go to the www.sweetrelief.org  foundation that helps musicians in a time of need and I still get .56 cents!!! What a great deal and even better karma!!!.....Until we meet again friends, I should be up in Marathon if I can garner up 4 bucks to get on the bus....~Wasted again in Marathonaville, where I can drink a beer without gettin hassled by the cops, searchin  my open container for a drop~.......;)