12 Steps on How To Get Trespassed From A 7 Mile Bridge

I am back in my hometown of Marathon, Florida. Been back for about 2 weeks or so. Taking a break from the insanity of Key West. Last time I came back from Marathon to Key West to stay at K.O.T.S. I hadn't stayed there for about a month. Michelle, one of the check-in girls manning the entrance into K.O.T.S. asked me where I had been and I told her on vacation. That's a question they ask everybody checking in at the old home away from home hacienda. Some people have been in jail or slept out a few nights and K.O.T.S. actually writes down the reason for not being there for a period of time into their record books. I was only joking when I said I was on vacation but Michelle proceeded to mark down in the book that I was on vacation without a question or a laugh. I should of told her I was on a camping trip....So let's get into the intriguing title of this post as I am sure you are dying to know just how in the hell do you get trespassed from a bridge that is 7 miles long. Well I'll tell ya, it's really pretty easy........... Step 1: You check the forecast of the nights' weather to see if it will be raining throughout or at some point under the moon and darkness........ Step 2: You go boo hoo, after you find out that there will be a very good chance of rain at some point into the night...... Step 3: You think about a place you can sleep that has some kind of shelter so you do not get woken up by raindrops at 2 a.m. It's not fun, I've done it before..... Step 4: You think of a bridge which usually provides enough shelter to keep you dry. About 2 lanes of highway wide...... Step 3: You decide on going to the closest bridge to hide because you are walking and you don't have a bike yet....... Step 5: Sorry I forgot Step 5 and added a Step 3. I never said this was going to be easy. On to Step 6, shall we? I fucked up Step 5 so let's just move on..... Step 6: You arrive at the Stay Dry, Sleep Tight, Outta Sight Campground. Without reservations or a check-in, you find a dry spot underneath the bridge where those drops of rain won't get you...... Step 7: You pull out your red fleece blanky. Lie down and rest your head on whatever bags you may have to use as a pillow. Back packs usually work great...... Step 8: You should have some kind of alcohol and music to keep you company and forget about your worries and to help you go to sleep...... Step 9: You fall asleep or pass out depending upon how much alcohol you have consumed....... Step 10: You wake up by yourself (hopefully) and just as the sunrise begins to rise, you rise with the sun. Unless it's raining and you can't see the sun. Then skip Step 10 except for the part where you wake up. You have to at least wake up before you can move on to Step 11....... Step 11: You collect all your belongings, drink any open left over beer you didn't finish last night. Find a garbage can and throw the damn can into the garbage can. I know, it sounds elementary my dear Watson, but you'd be surprised at how many idiots can't throw their beer cans away with a trash can 2 feet away. Unbelievable!!...... Step 12: Sit on the steps and smoke your first morning cigarette (my personal favorite one). Watch a Monroe County deputy walk toward you underneath the bridge and ask you if you have been here all night? and you reply,without a lie, "Why, yes, officer, I was here all night". He proceeds to ask for your I.D. and runs your name, while asking if you have any outstanding warrants and you reply. "No, sir, I don't" Again, do not lie. The radio will tell the officer if you have a warrant or not. That's why the kind police officer takes your I.D. and has the dispatcher "run" your name to see if in fact, you DO have a warrant. Don't be a stupid fuck and act like you can fool the computer system, it's usually smarter than your dumb ass. Then you notice that the officer who is questioning you has the same last name as one of your fellow graduating class mates from Marathon High. You ask him if he has a brother named Danny? And he says, yes I do. Then you tell the officer that you graduated with him at Marathon High school in 1987. The officer responds with, "Yeah, he's my older brother living up in Georgia." The officer then asks, "Why are you homeless?" Then you reply with, "I tried to be a rock star and it didn't work out." The officer laughs and then tells you that you can't be under the 7 mile bridge anymore and if you come back, you will be arrested and that you have been warned and are officially trespassed from the seven mile bridge....... Bonus Step: After the officer says you are free to go. You get up and start stepping as fast as you can. In a different direction. While still steppin', start contemplating where you will sleep if it rains again and know for sure that you won't be sleeping under that same 7 mile bridge as the night before.......... Tune in next month when I show you, step by step,inch by inch, How To Buy AND Sell A 7 Mile Bridge. Thank you Lord for the blessings you have bestowed upon me...... Happy Thanks for giving. Count your blessings.....I gave blood yesterday. It's a great feeling to know my universal type O positive blood just might save a life and the 10 dollar gift card from Publix didn't hurt either. But the needle did a little. (I hate needles but I love helping people) Nothing three 4 packs of beer can't cure. Remember, somebody loves you, I don't know who? But I do know, somebody does!!....I wrote this little ditty this morning:....If the door is locked....Don't bother to knock...Pick up your socks...Cause this place...Is about to ROCK!!!!!....... ROCK ON!!!

Friends: Case In Point / B-side poems / Rants and Raves

The day after my birthday, my friend who has been letting me stay at her place temporary, sent a Facebook message saying that I need to stay away from the property because the landlord is there. It happens every 1st of the month. Not surprising. She said don't come back until Monday. Which I have no problem with, I hate to over stay my welcome, not that she wanted to "kick" me out, but it is for her own interest and business, which I fully understand (I sleep in the dog house, so to speak, she owns a dog grooming business, where I sleep on the floor, when it is closed) . I actually like sleeping outside, as long as I don't have a torrential downpour of raindrops falling on my head at 3 o'clock in the morning without cover. My biggest worry is that the cops might drive by and stop then arrest me for trespassing. My only and biggest concern. I have only gotten arrested 3 times for the heinous crime of open container in the park. Unknown charge number 9999999999.999 with a B.A.C. of 24.2 (Actually, I just made that number up, they don't even breathalyze you, they only do that to release you from jail for the Marchman Act which I am not proud to say, I've committed that "Act" twice but it's better than jail, 11 days vs. maybe 8 hours or until you sober up) An open container of alkeyhall is only a municipal ordinance and not even a misdemeanor, but a trespass is..... O.K. enough of that bullshit, let's move on, shall we..........,,,,,(,,,*__*,,,) Any who, where, why or what, I didn't have any money and I like to at least have a buzz when I sleep outside. I got my prepaid PayPal debit card in the mail that I have been waiting a week for. I had it sent to my friends' house in Marathon because they wouldn't send it to General Delivery, the homeless address. I finally got it yesterday and activated immediately, thinking the money I had in my PayPal account would be able to be withdrawn from my PREPAID card, once I had activated it. Not the case, as I should assume, everything goes wrong when I think everything is going right. I had to verify my card through the bank that the card is drawn on which of course, takes 2-3 BUSINESS days and I activated on a Friday. So I am thinking, absolutely no money at least until Monday and I can't go back to my "dog house" until then and go without beer, cigarettes or food over the weekend. Not a good position to be in...... The crux of the title of my story is this: I went walking down the street after leaving the library Friday evening without a dime in my pocket and my plastic bag full of extra clothes and water bottles. No alcohol, down to my last 3 cigarettes, wondering what I was going to do until Monday. After about a mile walk, I stopped at a vacant bus stop, one stop passed the one with people at it, one step closer to "home". ( I sleep along the front of the airport at the little parks with benches) While I was sitting at the empty bus stop, drinking my water, and thank God, actually my friend Crazy Larry, who gave me a radio to listen to, (I am completely lost without my music) I listened to the radio wondering how I was going to make it through the weekend without beer or cigarettes. I have a great time by myself if I have 3 things. Smokes, Beer and Music. I am good ta go! Ya heard me! I'ms GOODS TA GO!! (Black woman snapping her fingers like she on Living Color, ya feel me, yeah I taught so!!)..... Anyhow, while sitting alone at the bus stop,(Ironically across the street from 68th St., the first street I lived on in Marathon as a very young child) I hear this voice behind me that said, "Kevin" I turned around and it was my friend, Dave Rasmussen. I haven't seen Dave since I was like eighteen. I said, "Hey Dave, what's up?" He said he saw me walking down the road with my pathetic plastic bag, looking down and out.(Actually, he just said he saw me walking down the street, he didn't comment on my designer Gucci bag or my upbeat personality) We bumped fists and he handed me 2 fives and 10 ones. I was shocked!! Of course, I said, "Thanks, Dave" He asked if I was looking for work and I said yeah. He asked if I would be walking around town and I said yeah and Dave said, "O.K. I'll see ya around" I went from absolutely nothing to 20 dollars in mere seconds, without a hope in the world, unbeknownst to me. Not expecting anything from anybody. I can't even panhandle. I have to be really, really drunk to attempt that feat and that's a catch 22 because I don't have money to get drunk and I can't ask for money when I'm sober....... Anyway, it's amazing to me that people still remember me from my hometown when I'm down and out and treat me like it was yesterday when they last saw me and are willing to help when I need it most from out of the blue. There's been instances where I'll be sitting at a bus stop in Marathon and have a car drive by and yell my name. "Hey Kevin!" Some I remember and some I don't or didn't see who it was. It's a wonder how people, I essentially grew up with in my small hometown, are still here. A lot of people move away after high school because there's not much opportunity in Marathon. I'm not putting them down or anything like that. It's actually cool that people still recognize and remember me after all these years. It's a great feeling to know that I still have friends I can still count on. When you least expect it, from out of nowhere, in a little town I call home, when I am homeless, in Marathon, my friends are still alive and true when I have nobody else to turn to. You can bet your sweet little ass that I will remember my true friends when I become rich and famous (I hate the famous part but I wouldn't mine the riches, and I will share it with my friends who have stuck by me and helped me in a time of need) It will be returned 10 fold guaranteed. I don't have the means and ways YET! But I will die trying to get it and stop nothing short of death or breath to obtain my goal!! You can put those words in the bank! I hate to toot my own horn but I am a very generous person. If I got it, I give it, if I don't, I can't. It's as simple as that. I don't even know what frugal, thrifty or saving money means....hence, why I am broke and homeless!!! OOOOO.KKKKKKK. I'm tired of babbling, I needs to blow bubbles in my beer.... In case you were wondering if I am crazy or not, I will leave you with my random words and thoughts that I apparently wrote down at random times when I was drunk (Call em poems, lyrics, thoughts or whatever, I really don't give a fart) consider it cleaning out my closet. Here they are in raw, rare b-side form: 4-23-13 SHARE MY WORDS WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY..... AS YOU THINK YOU HAVE EVERYTHING DEATH BECOMES NOTHING..... NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE EXCEPT YOUR MIND AND SOUL....... WHAT DO YOU HAVE NOW? 6 FEET UNDERGROUND..... YOUR SOUL AND KARMA TO BE TAKEN SOON..... 4-23-13 PIGEONS KEEP ME SAFE AND WARM FROM HARM LIKE THE SUN IN A WINTER STORM..... I KNOW THE WORLD HAS NOT ENDED FOR ME I STILL HAVE A HOPE AND A DREAM..... YES YOU CAN CALL ME MARTIN LUTHER KING.... PRICE ON PAIN I COULDN'T PAY FOR..... I TRY TO ESCAPE WITH MY PEN AND WORDS......... NEXT POEM 4-22-13 SIT ALONE AS I CRY IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM...... ESCAPE OR SO I TRY I KNOW I NEVER CAN...... HAVE FUN WITH FRIENDS LUCKY YOU HAVE...... AS I SIT ALONE CRYING A RIVER OF DREAMS WISHING I WOULD NEVER BE YOU.... LUCKY MAN YOU WISH YOU WERE ME I FEEL GUILTY NOW...... BECAUSE YOU WERE NEVER THERE WHEN I NEEDED YOU......... NEXT 3-22-13 A CHANCE TO DANCE AROUND THE OBSTACLES..... GIVE ME A LESSON TO LEARN BEFORE I PROMISE NEVER TO FORGET AGAIN.... ERASE MY MIND TO DO THE SAME THING..... CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD NOWHERE ELSE TO GO..... I HATE TO LEAVE WITHOUT A KISS..... GIVE ME SOMETHING TO FORGIVE AND MISS.... BE SURE YOUR NEXT STEP IS YOUR BEST..... AND NOT YOUR LAST...... I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU AS LONG AS I LIVE...... NEW POEM AS I MOVE ON GIVE ME MOTIVATION TO ESCAPE THE HELL I SEE..... GIVE ME STRENGTH BEYOND BELIEF... DIFFERENT FROM THE REST.... I SHOOT FOR THE STARS IN THE LONG SHOT OF THE DARK...... AT LEAST I TRY TO HIT A TARGET TO MAKE MY LIFE BETTER..... YOU'RE DONE I ALREADY WON.... THE OTHER MOTHERFUCKERS LIVE AIMLESSLY SAME THING DIFFERENT DAY I WISH I COULD CHANGE..... STUCK IN THE SAME RUT HOW CAN I JUDGE THEM WITH THE SAME FRAME OF MIND.... STILL WAITING FOR THE BUS THAT NEVER CAME.... TO TAKE ME OUT OF THE PLACE I DON'T WANT TO BE..... NEXT POEM 3-22-13 THE YELLOW FLOWER FELL IN FRONT OF THE LIBRARY.... DO I DARE PICK UP TO TAKE AWAY FROM THE BEAUTY THE BUTTERFLIES BEFORE ME..... A SAD PERSON WALKS PASS ME WITHOUT DIRECTION.... THE GAY PEOPLE LAUGH WITHOUT PERCEPTION..... A FEMALE BICYCLIST DIRECTS TRAFFIC DOWN A ONE WAY ROAD SHE WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG... AS I DOWNLOAD MY FAVORITE SONGS..... AS I SEE THE SUN GO DOWN.... THE JIBBER JABBER OF THE PASSERBYERS I WAVE GOODBYE.... DON'T DIE ON ME WHEN I NEED YOU MOST.... YOU HAVE A LOT MORE WORK TO DO COUNTING ON YOU TO SAVE THE WORLD.... WRITTEN IN FRONT OF THE KEY WEST LIBRARY................ NEW POEM GOD HAS GIVEN ME STRENGTH TO LIVE STRONG BEYOND WHATEVER YOU WANT TO BELIEVE.... TRUE STORY WITHOUT A LIE EVER TOLD TRUTH BE KNOWN GOD SAVES ALL OF OUR SOULS... GIVES US THE WISDOM WE DO NOT KNOW..... NEXT POEM DON'T THINK I CAN PAY FOR THE PRICE OF PAIN... ROUGH ROAD GETTING HARDER EVERYDAY TRYING TO MAINTAIN MY (IN)SANITY..... HANGING ON TO A ROPE THAT HAS ALREADY BEEN TIED SINK BELOW THE SEA UNTIL I DROWN... COME BACK TO LIFE NEVER TO BE FOUND AS TEARS OF JOY FALL DOWN... YOU MOTHERFUCKERS NEVER KNEW WHAT I COULD DO BEFORE... THINK AGAIN WITH YOUR SECOND OPINION.. MEANS NOTHING TO ME IN MY WORLD.... REALITY CHECK I DIE ALONE WITHOUT MY FAMILY.... HOPE AND PRAY WHEN I'M DEAD AND GONE.... I MIGHT SEE A FAMILY REUNION... MY FATHER FOR THE FIRST TIME BEFORE... TA DA!!!!!!!!!!!! ABABABABABABAB (It's suppose to sound like Porky Pig, you idiots!!) That's ALL FOLKS!!!................. Damn, I can't take you guys, ANYWHERE!! AND ONE MORE PIECE OF WISDOM,ADVICE and/or whatever you want to call it!!! Remember,.....................................................................If it smells like fish, make it a dish. If it smells like cologne, leave it alone. This message brought to you by the: Fishy Dish Safety Council........ And one more thoughtful insightful thoughtless thought... Having sex with a condom, is like taking a shower with a raincoat on! I probably just jinxed myself and I will get rained on without a raincoat at 3 o'clock in the morning while I sleep outside by myself. See, I know how to shoot myself in the foot. At least I'm passed the denial stage!!! Now it's time for me to be done and for you to GET OVER IT!!......... P.S. I am still working on my memoir book. I can use the computer all day at the Marathon library as opposed to the bums bumping me off at the Key West library. So I should be able to get a lot more writing done in Marathon. I lost/let a friend borrow my iPad for one night and he said it got stolen, so I am force to use the public library computers. I created a new Twitter account for my future book, Where Did My Life Go. You can follow on Twitter @MemoirBook. I don't even Tweet but you have to get the name while you can. Email me at: authorkevindalesanders@gmail.com .....I never read that account and probably won't respond but at least you have my secret email account. That's all that counts. Now I can sleep tonight and hopefully not get rained on. I think it's a 30% chance of rain and I 100% don't have a raincoat or umbrella. So if you hear of a bum drowning in his sleep after a torrential downpour in the Florida Keys it might of been me. If so, don't send flowers, just throw me in the ocean, I'll already be wet anyway. Save your money for somebody else's grave. Talk to ya'lls soon..... Contingent upon, if I don't get struck by lighting or get stuck in between a hurricane and a monsoon. Are you done YET?!?!?! BOUT TIME, DAAAAAMMMN!! XO ;).................................... But seriously folks, if I do go, I'll see you's all's on that there otherside. K That reminds me for some reason. (See I have too much time at the Marathon library. I have yet to be even close to bumped) There's like 5 computers open if you bums want to come on down and get your computer on. The pep rally cheer from my Marathon alma mater went like this:................ Who's the best? MHS (I have recently added) Who's the best? Not Key West................. Go DOLPHINS both MARATHON, MIAMI and FLIPPER!!....... (The voice of Cleveland Jr.).......IS WE DONE YET?!?!?!?! ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZ